


cotton candy

by tenshiminari



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, sanayeon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25439092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenshiminari/pseuds/tenshiminari
Summary: there's something about nayeon that reminds sana of cotton candy, but sana cannot say exactly what it is.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Minatozaki Sana, Myoui Mina/Park Jisoo | Jihyo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	1. one

/

if there's one thing minatozaki sana likes to look at, it's cotton candy.

even if sana used to eat it sometimes too, she actually chose to look at it from the distance; always imagining how soft it would be to the touch or how strong the smell of the melted sugar would be if she were nearby.

sana knows it's strange. she has thought about it more times than her fingers can count. however, that thought doesn't make sana stop or change because sana continues to want to look more at cotton candy from a distance than to eat it.

there is a reason, of course; and that is that sana thinks that there is no more precious thing than dry cotton candy. yes, of course it’s insanely good at the moment it comes into contact with the taste buds, sana thinks, but it's not so pleasant to see once it's dissolved very easily, becoming sticky to the touch. so sana looks at it from a distance without stopping; not even if her fingertips sting excessively when she wants to reach the cone.

sana sighs, shaking her head and scratching her fingertips, because she's thinking about it again.

she doesn't blame herself, however. sana is aware that she only thinks about it because of the strong smell of candy that is coming through her nostrils. it's a pleasant smell, sana must clear it up. in fact, it's so pleasant that it makes sana wonder if that caramel shampoo smell would be stronger if im nayeon sat a couple of seats closer.

sana shakes her head again, but this time a blush covers her cheeks as she takes another look at the girl sitting three seats away from her.

im nayeon.

nayeon is sitting in the same seat she's been sitting in for the past few years. she sits there, quietly, distracted, while the evening sunlight gently hits her face and forms figures on it. sana wonders how she can look so angelic before her eyes, so bright that it is almost painful to look at her.

then sana pauses because nayeon stops, turning on her seat to look at sana directly in the eyes for a few seconds; as always, until sana turns away sharply while twisting her toes uncomfortably; as always.

sana takes a deep breath and tries to stabilize not only her heart but also her body temperature because her cheeks burn as if the hot summer sun were hitting her face directly. however, it's another failed attempt that makes sana roll her eyes and tilt her head slightly to look at nayeon again.

there's something about nayeon that reminds sana of cotton candy that goes beyond the smell of the shampoo nayeon uses, but sana cannot say exactly what it is.

sana thinks that perhaps it's the fact that nayeon always sits three seats further away from her that makes her wonder what else nayeon might smell like or how soft her hair or skin would be to touch. or perhaps it's the fact that sana always chooses to look at nayeon above anything else she can imagine; because sana knows really well that if she were to approach nayeon, she would probably manage to do it so without too much difficulty.

whatever it is, nayeon is like cotton candy to sana so that's why sana keeps looking at her, detailing from the distance the shapes that the twilight rays make on her face, until she has to stop when nayeon goes out of her sight and the bus continues without her on it.

the air is light without the strong smell of caramel permeating it, realizes sana, and her fingers stop itching because she doesn’t want to touch something that is so close, but she want to keep it so far away, and that feeling is pleasant.

or at least it is until sana remembers that tomorrow at morning as soon as her eyes find nayeon three seats away from her, the feeling will return.

sana sighs and shakes her head again, and tells herself to enjoy the quiet hours before everything comes again.

/

"mina?"

"oh, sana." the voice on the other side of the counter vibrates. it's slow, but sweet; it's also far away until. "welcome." it's clear and followed by a short smile.

myoui mina stands on the other side of the counter, facing sana and with a kitchen apron hugging her body; it's stained with flour and the left side of mina's forehead too.

sana laughs.

"hello." she says, smiling back at mina, who looks at her with her eyebrows together. "would you mind if i stayed here for a while?"

mina shakes her head in anguish and the offense is reflected in her features. "you don't even have to ask me." she says to sana, but then. "what's so funny?"

"nothing."

"sana..."

"you have flour on your forehead." sana laughs and laughs, and sits down near the counter.

mina blushes with shame and runs her hand across her forehead, and sana laughs again.

"i'm baking." mina explains briefly. "do you want some hot chocolate? you look pale."

sana shrugging her shoulders. "i'm cold." she explain, but also nod.

a pause settles in between them when mina turns on her heels and begins to make the chocolate with great concentration, and sana pays attention to her; looking at her with intensity.

the admiration is clear in sana's eyes and mina is not too surprised to find her eyes full of adoration. (it's always the same).

"mom wants to talk with you." mina bursts into the silence, pushing the hot chocolate into sana's hand. "she says she needs to ask you something."

"really?"

"yes."

"hm, what is it?"

"sana..."

"yes, mina?"

"you know how mom is." mina sighs, her eyes dancing over the bakery.

"not better than you."

then mina stops her gaze on sana's own eyes, which look at her with uncertainty.

mina sighs.

(sana was right, of course, because myoui mitsuki wasn't her mother after all, and they didn't have the best relationship.)

"it's actually several things."

"so...?"

(while sana's relationship with myoui mitsuki was not bad at all, it was not the best either; it had a lot to do with the fact that mitsuki never wanted to take care of sana after knowing that she had been abandoned by her eldest daughter; sana's mom. however, she ended up taking care of sana somehow because mina, her youngest daughter, took the responsibility when she was only twenty-two years old and still living with her).

"typical stuff." mina responded quietly. "you know, uh, things about your life. like what you're thinking about doing when you finish college or... or if you like someone or something."

sana smiles and shakes her head, but she is not surprised because these are questions myoui mitsuki would ask.

"well, i think we're going to have a rather disappointing conversation." sana says to mina. "you know? i don't like anyone and i haven't thought about exactly what i will do after college."

"really?"

"really what?"

"don't you like anyone?"

sana nods. "is that so surprising?"

mina smiles, but shakes her head and listens to sana mutter something about how she is older than her and has not yet settled down with someone so she is about to reply, but stops as soon as the doorbell rings.

a little boy stands on the entrance mat, his nose glowing with the color pink on it and he gives a curious look to the two women in front of him.

"can i have a cotton candy?"

"one?"

"yes."

"all right, wait here a minute." mina gave him a smile.

sana follows mina with her eyes until.

"you want a cotton candy too?" the boy asks her. "i can buy one for you."

sana turns and looks at him, and smiles when she says. "no, no. it's okay."

"really?"

"yes." she says. "i don't like it so much."

"oh?" the kid leans forward with curiosity. in his eyes he can't believe that someone doesn't like cotton candy so much and he is about to talk when mina walks up to him and delivers his order. "thank you."

"it's ₩15."

"here."

"thank you too." mina responds sweetly. "go home safely, okay?"

"okay!"

sana observes how the kid smiles with the same sweetness as the smell of cotton candy and wonders if that cotton candy is as fluffy as it looks, and if the taste would be similar to strawberries. (sana has never seen a pink cotton candy before.)

"i didn't know you still sold cotton candy." sana commented when mina approached her.

"i didn't do it until now. usually you sell more in the summer because of the fairs and stuff, but the profits in the fall are good too because there's not a stall on every corner." mina calmly explains and. "do you want one?"

"no." sana refuses immediately. "thank you."

mina nods and even if she wants to insist, she doesn't.

/

later, while sana rolls around in her bed, she wonders if what she is doing with the cotton candy has anything to do with the last time she saw her mother.

then she remembers the summer, the heavy air and the cotton candy stands everywhere, and remembers her mother so smiling and cheerful, pushing money into her hands and asking her to not come home so late because she would not do that either.

sana remembers wondering why her mother had given her so much money, but forgetting as soon as she stumbled near one of the cotton stands. she remembers buying two and returning home, and waiting merrily while eating her own cotton only to feel a handful of negative emotions hitting her the next morning when she noticed her mother was not home.

she remembers telling herself that she would return soon only to feel bitter when she was told her mother would not and she also clearly remembers how much she longed to see her mother's happy smile as she ate that cotton candy that sana had bought for her.

sana remembers it clearly even if has been years and this time, for the first time in a long time, she thinks that maybe those days has a lot to do with the fact that she prefers to look at the cotton candy than to eat it.

/

a couple of days later, sana is talking to some of her classmates in the hallway when she sees a figure smaller than her running desperately down the same corridor.

it's im nayeon, who looks agitated and nervous, but also somewhat cheerful and sana feels how her heart stirs with the same feeling as soon as she realizes it.

then there is a thought that suddenly invades sana's mind; something about how the joy of eating cotton candy after craving it so much, resembles the joy of loving someone so desperately.

sana pauses, blinking and thinking immediately then how it's that the disappointment of not getting cotton candy after craving it so desperately resembles the disappointment of knowing that someone will not come back even if you wait so long; of knowing that that person has abandoned you.

sana's thoughts run and her memories fall back on what she thought days ago, and then sana is aware of why nayeon reminds her so much of cotton candy: if she continues to look at her from the distance, there will be no disappointment as soon as nayeon has to leave, because she was never present in sana's life in the first place anyway.

/

the realization she had days ago doesn't make her feel desperate. in fact, sana continues thinking about it calmly and even begins to hope that nayeon will never be present in her life directly.

sana tells herself that if she has been satisfied for years simply looking at nayeon from the distance, she can keep doing it as long as she can.

so that's what she does.

sana keeps looking at her, but not only when nayeon is three seats away from her. sana also looks at nayeon on the campus, in the hallways of the college, in the library, at the swimming club, and almost anywhere else they coincide. sana also looks at nayeon when aono makoto stands at the olympic pool to walk up to her and press a kiss on nayeon's lips as soon as he stands in front of her.

he smiles with joy, sana thinks, and nayeon seems to do the same too.

sana thinks about how much she would have liked not to look at that, but she does not blame her eyes, because they always look for a way to find nayeon even if she is in the middle of a big crowd.

anyway, that doesn't stop sana's fingertips from itching as she continues watching, but this time she doesn't long to touch nayeon. there's no disappointment in her chest, but there is something of a rejection that makes sana run away and think about how lucky she is for not to have nayeon in her life.

/

even if sana feels lucky, she cannot help but feel that there is something negative on her, but she cannot understand what it is.

however, sana wants to know because that something doesn't let her look at the girl who is three seats away even if she wants to.

sana tells herself that it's not important to see nayeon anyway because she surely looks as pretty as ever.

she hears a knock on the side seat, a whimper, a snort and a chuckle full of embarrassment, but sana doesn't even try to look out the corner of her eye. however, she ends up doing so a few seconds later when she realizes how the candy smell of nayeon's shampoo is stronger than it has been in two years.

sana shouldn't jump into her seat when she's aware that nayeon is next to her, but she does. it's the first time in two years that they're sitting together so sana's senses jump and turn, and they go off.

nayeon is there, by her side for the first time and her clothes are neat and her hair is messy, shaking slightly and permeating the air sweetly.

there is a friendly smile on nayeon's lips while she talks to the old woman who now takes her usual place that makes sana pay more attention. tiredness is evident in nayeon's face and even in her eyes, which are closed from time to time, but there is also a glow so striking that it makes sana think she has never seen such a beautiful person in her whole life.

the realization of her thought makes sana shrink. the weather still feels cold against her face, but her cheeks begin to burn excessively. sana squeezes them with her cold fingers and blinks, and thinks about what is she doing, and stops when a weight hits her shoulder roughly and then falls into her lap.

sana blinks again, already knowing what is happening, but still slowly looks down. when sana's eyes meet half of nayeon's body on her lap, completely asleep and with her lips half open, she is not surprised, but that doesn't prevent her nerves from appearing.

there is a long pause where sana scratches the back of her neck and looks down and turns away from nayeon only to look again and continue doing the same until she thinks about what she can do, feeling somewhat desperate when she realizes that the next stop is where nayeon gets off.

sana opens her mouth, ready to wake nayeon up, but ends up biting her lip with a slight pressure and looking at her again.

nayeon sighs in the middle of her dream and her hair bounces and mesmerizes sana, who raises her hand to push away the lock of nayeon's hair that fell on her face when she sighed. sana leaves it behind her ear and stops there, but nayeon's cheek hits sana's wrist and she quickly turns away, blushing excessively.

it's almost painful how her cheeks burn, sana thinks, so she presses her fingers back on it and moves, and the movement is so rough that it makes nayeon bounce in her lap. sana then stops, but nayeon moves and blink, and then jumps out of sana's lap to stand up as if she were preparing to run a marathon and desperately runs down the aisle.

"i'm getting off! i'm getting off here!" sana hears her announce.

nayeon bows and rings the bell of the bus, and waits and climbs back up before the bus doors close. sana wonders what she's doing and then.

"thank you!" nayeon screams in her direction, looking into her eyes and smiling.

nayeon's smile is so bright that sana compares it to the sun and she feels warm, her heart vibrating with excitement and feeling quite confident to say that she has never seen a more adorable smile than that. sana treasures it in her memories and then forgets a couple of things like: how aono makoto pressed a kiss on nayeon's lips a few days ago, and how she smiled at him immediately. sana also forgets how she shouldn't feel so happy that nayeon gave her a smile and how she shouldn't wait for it to happen again; she completely forgets that she shouldn't expect even the slightest thing from nayeon in her life.

realizing how easy it was for her to forget her own limits momentarily manages to make sana's moods soar in reverse.

sana is not upset with herself, but she is disappointed and her night is not the best, of course, so she is not surprised when she finds something that looks like a stain under each of her eyes the next morning.

she sighs and rolls her eyes, and grunts when she realizes how not even a little bit of makeup can cover it so, then, sana pushes the circular frames over her nose for the first time in a long time and shrinks as soon as she sees the unusual image of herself on the mirror.

sana wonders for a second, still looking her reflection in the mirror, if nayeon will look at her at some point as they head to the college and if she will think what she just thought, and then she grunts and shakes her head because there she is again; waiting for something from nayeon in her life. of course she didn't bother with herself last night, but this time she does.

/

for the first time, nayeon does not take the same bus as her in the morning and sana wonders if that is a sign.

somehow, her thoughts go beyond that and sana also wonders if it has to do with what happened the day before, but she quickly sends that thought to the back of her mind and continues walking.

sana only stops when her eyes meet a fairly familiar person in the middle of all those around the campus and sana tries, really tries, to stop looking at her and keep walking, but she just keeps doing the things she doesn't want to do.

she sighs and purses her lips, and sighs again because nayeon looks absolutely angelic again. the slight sunlight hits her hair and makes it look golden, and her pale skin only turns red at the tip of her nose and sana wonders if it feels cold to the touch.

nayeon sways on her feet and looks around, as if he were waiting for someone; it's evident, because nayeon holds two coffees in her hands, and sana wonders if that someone is aono makoto.

she doesn't answer herself because as soon as she passes by nayeon, she stops in front of sana and smiles, offering her one of the vessels in her hands.

"good morning." nayeon's voice is soft and exaggeratedly loud, and sana hears it as clearly as day. she smiles shyly in sana's direction and sana wonders if she is dreaming or something. "hello."

sana's gaze stops at the vessel in front of her and. "hello?"

"this is weird, isn't it?" nayeon asks, pushing the glass into one of sana's hands. "that is because uh—i wanted to, uh, apologize to you for yesterday. i'm so sorry, i fell soundly asleep."

sana doesn't know how to react, she keep silent and is aware of how nayeon blushes under her gaze and giggles in shame.

"i was tired, you know? the exams have kept me up for several nights, you know, and—uh, that."

sana doesn't yet process what is happening, but she knows it’s real when nayeon blushes again and her heart races against her rib cage, so she opens her mouth and babbles, and shrinks when she is aware that all of nayeon's attention is on her.

"you didn't have to worry." that's all she can say.

"but i did." nayeon responds immediately. the hesitation dances in her eyes and her lips press together, rising and. "your last name is minatozaki, isn't it?"

"yes."

"good to know, minatozaki-ssi.” nayeon is smiling again. "or should i call you by your name perhaps?"

"uh..."

"what's your name?"

"sana."

"oh, sana-ssi. that's a very cute name."

sana's chest gets ticklish and dizzy, and it's not exactly because of the smell of candy around them. sana feels like she can run, dance, ride a bike, swim, talk non-stop, write poetry or a song even when she doesn't know how to do, or play any instrument. she feels like she can do almost anything even when she doesn't know how to do half of them because it feels like they will all come out right.

"that's chocolate, by the way." nayeon tells her, drinking from her own glass. "i don't know if you like coffee or how you like it, but—uh, i guess you like chocolate, don't you?"

"i do." sana mumbles.

"well.” nayeon says and. "i know it may seem strange, but i've really wanted to talk to you for a while."

that's not happening, sana tells herself. that's not happening because she is not caught in the middle of a script in which things happen that she has wanted, but which she has repressed. sana tries to convince herself, but the heat of the glass full of chocolate burns for a moment against the palm of her hand and sana is aware that in fact it's happening.

"really?"

nayeon laughs and bows, and says. "of course, you've been taking the same bus as me for two years now so i've always wanted to get closer, but... i never found a way to do it." she explains. "i mean, sometimes i try to look at you and talk, but you always end up looking away and i came to believe that maybe you were uncomfortable about it."

"i don't." sana says immediately, the words come out of her throat quickly; she doesn't even think. "it really don't make me uncomfortable or anything. in fact, i've also wanted to talk to you for a while, nayeon-ssi, but..."

the words die in sana's throat, but it doesn't matter because nayeon raises her eyebrows with what looks like happiness and says. "you know my name."

"i do." sana mumbles.

"well, sana-ssi, you can call me nayeon."

"oh, then call me sana."

"of course, sana." nayeon says, she sways back on her feet and looks at sana, and. "would you like to come back with me?"

nayeon's voice is full of shyness, but her question sounds like a statement. her features are so funny that sana cannot suppress the smile that bursts on her lips.

"i'd like to."

"me too." nayeon says. "i'll be waiting for you, okay?"

sana nods and thinks.

she forgets something again and is aware, thinks it's important, but ignores it because nayeon says goodbye and waves her hand at her.

nayeon will be waiting for her.

sana likes the sound of that.

/

the cold weather makes sana's palms hurt. she forgot her gloves at mina's bakery a few days ago and has not yet gone to get them, but somehow they warm up when a burning sensation explodes in her chest every time she remembers that nayeon will be waiting for her.

/

later, nayeon is standing in the entrance of the college waiting for her.

/

the second time they sit together is not because nayeon offers her seat to someone else, of course. in fact, there aren't too many people on the bus, but that doesn't stop nayeon from pushing sana to the back.

nayeon talks and talks, and her shyness seems to fade as more words come out of her mouth and sana knows that she herself is not shy, but her brain somehow feels blurred and heavy every time she finds nayeon's face leaning towards her.

sana doesn't function as usual and doesn't talk much, but it's not a problem because nayeon thinks she is cute or that is what she tells sana; making a pink powder spread on sana's cheeks immediately.

there are new emotions running through sana and she thinks they are... nice.

/

they begin to share their seats not only when they return from college; in the mornings too.

the morning run is shorter than the afternoon run, but still long enough to leave positive feelings in sana and then she starts to get used to it.

/

sana feels that there is something in her mind that is trying to emerge and she thinks it's important, but she never pays enough attention to it.

it's not as if she can, anyway, because her attention begins to be directed almost entirely towards all that is nayeon.

they don't share too much about themselves, realizes sana one day; they don't talk about their favorite color or what's the first song they hear when they want to cheer themselves up, but they talk about what they do in the morning or what they did the night before, and also about why sana has a scar on her left eyebrow.

that conversation manages to make nayeon press a little unexpected kiss at the scar site and sana stops working again, becoming a nervous mess and blushing, and worse when nayeon repeats how beautiful she looks.

sana doesn't believe her, but she feels happy.

/

when sana comes to, she realizes that nayeon not only smells like candy; there is a mixture of smells in everything from wood to rain and from grass to baby smell.

it's satisfying.

/

sana is happy.

she always seems happy in the eyes of others. so bright that the sun looks like a simple flashing light next to her, or that’s what mina says. but now the brightness around her is almost exaggerated and everyone around her is beginning to notice, of course.

mina is not the exception and that regular customer named park jihyo neither.

jihyo doesn't show up at the bakery so much when autumn begins; she's too busy with who knows what, so it's surprising for sana when she finds her giggling by mina's side near the counter.

when sana approaches, jihyo catches her in a hug and turns her hair, and says. "i didn't think it would make you so happy to see me."

sana rolls her eyes and. "what makes you so sure i'm happy about that?"

"oh, so it's not about me?"

"it's been like this for a while." mina smiles, looking at sana and her eyes look happy, but there is something that makes sana feel cornered. "something you want to tell us?"

"what could i say to you?" sana asks and looks so innocent that she convinces jihyo, but mina can look through her.

"hm, i don't know, you just seem happier than usual lately."

sana blushes and shrugs, and jihyo raises her eyebrows and says in a tone full of mockery.

"oh, don't tell me you finally like someone."

"of course not!"

jihyo laughs and continues to mock sana, and sana continues to deny her mocking with a trembling voice, and mina looks at them.

when jihyo's eyes meet mina's, she knows she's not wrong at all.

/

sana knows very well how it's really miss someone. she knows perfectly well the feeling of despair when it comes to waiting for someone. in spite of that, sana is not expecting to feel it as soon as the winter holidays begin.

she wonders why she feels this way, but finds no answer until nayeon calls her suddenly on the night before the new year and greets her with a voice that sounds strangely heavy and sticky, and says things like how happy she is that she has started talking to sana or how much she misses her, and sana corresponds to every word nayeon says until she realizes that yes, she misses nayeon.

but she miss her more than she should.

/

the first time they meet after new year of course is on the bus they both take. however, it doesn't happen first thing in the morning.

nayeon doesn't take the same bus as sana, but she assures her that she will be waiting for her later and she does.

sana should not be shaking when her eyes meet nayeon standing in front of her, but she does a little, and a pleasant warmth explodes like fireworks all over her body as soon nayeon's hands lock onto her shoulders and she pushes her into a hug, pressing her against her.

"i missed you."

sana closes her eyes and breathes, and sighs, and raises her hand to entangle it in nayeon's hair, scratching there and saying. "i missed you too."

there's a difference in the tone of each one and also in the intensity of their words, thinks sana, but she decides not to think about it and forget it.

/

as sana share more days with nayeon, the sense of despair in her chest diminishes.

it's nice and the process is fast, because now nayeon invites her out almost every time they have some free time.

nayeon pushes sana into shopping malls, cinemas, photo booths, riding bikes and doing any other activity she can think of, and sana follows her and feels that it has been a long time since she felt so happy.

"spring is coming." nayeon says to sana suddenly one day while they are walking on some dock. "but feels so far away, the cold is unbearable."

sana laughs and shoves nayeon over her shoulder, and says. "really funny that you say that when you're eating an ice cream."

nayeon rolls his eyes and tries to suppress the smile, but there it is. "ugh, sana, you could have said so many things."

"is that so?"

"yes! you could have offered me your scarf or hugged me." nayeon pointed out. "but you preferred to ruin our moment."

"oh, is that what you want?"

"what?"

"a hug."

the suggestive tone in sana's voice makes nayeon stop and scratch her never, looking strangely vulnerable.

"no! i just want your scarf."

sana also stops and squeezes the scarf around her neck, but bows down and says "why?"

"because it's very pretty." nayeon tells her. "i've wanted to use it for a while now, but you're always using it."

"it's my favorite." sana says.

"where did you buy it?" nayeon asks suddenly, biting into the ice cream and swinging on her feet. "i haven't seen one like that anywhere."

sana scratches her cheek and looks nervous, and nayeon half smiles.

"that's because i knitted it."

"oh?”

sana looks at nayeon, studying his face and starts explaining. "mina, my aunt, always knits and i don't know when i learned to do it, but it was thanks to her."

nayeon smiles, but it's not one of those giant smiles where her eyes can't see and her cheeks rise up with pride. her smile is soft and stirs sana's heart.

"you are very skilled."

"thank you." sana says and stops, and. "your hands are big, maybe you would like to learn?"

"i'd like to." nayeon accepts with joy and laughs, but then she says seriously. "but i know i wouldn't be able to learn. sometimes i don't have much patience."

"oh."

nayeon straightens up and pushes her hand, wide and cold, over sana's hand, almost covering it completely.

"your hands, unlike mines, are very small."

sana is breathless when nayeon's thumb begins to carefully trace a caress on her hand; it's new and she is not used to it so she tries to get out of it, but nayeon is firm against it and keeps it there.

"i don't like them being so small." that's all she says.

"but i do." nayeon says. "they're very pretty too and you can knit things like this—oh, and it fits mine perfectly."

they don't talk after that, they just keep walking while nayeon continues to eat her ice cream and sana is grateful in some way; feeling too breathless to respond to anything.

their hands, however, stay together and nayeon doesn't let go of sana's until she has to say goodbye.

as soon as sana returns home, there's a tingling sensation in the hand that nayeon held for hours and sana realizes that park jihyo maybe was right after all.

maybe she likes someone.

maybe it's nayeon.

and sana thinks it's wrong.


	2. two

/

after the discovery of her feelings for nayeon, a numbing sensation fills sana in every part of her body.

there's also something that feels like a pair of hands pushing her back when she sees nayeon again a day later, almost as if they're trying to tell her to stay away, but sana doesn't.

sana stands and stands by nayeon's side even though her body feels fuller of unpleasant sensations than anything else when nayeon holds her hand again for a few hours. she decides that she is going to endure it and she does, of course, until she stops.

sana pauses her relationship with nayeon and starts avoiding her or something, but it's necessary, she tells herself one day that she excuses herself when nayeon invites her out for the third time in a week. it's necessary, sana believes, because she needs to understand why she feels this way.

so she starts thinking.

sana thinks about her mother and her abandonment, and she also thinks about her past relationships and it's frustrating because it has little or nothing to do with all the negative feelings and thoughts that fill her when she is less than a meter away from nayeon, and then, as ephemeral as a ray of light hitting a specific point, the image of someone passes through sana's thoughts.

it feels like drowning; like if someone is pushing her head into the water and depriving her of her breath. sana's mind runs and runs, and her lungs burn aggressively when she takes a deep breath and sana is not waiting for the clear image of hirai momo to burn on the back of her eyelids when she takes a breath, but it happens.

it's so fast that sana doesn't realize what is happening until it is happening and then she cannot erase the vivid memory of hirai momo smiling from her thoughts. with that memory comes another and another, and then everything goes through her like lightning.

sana starts thinking about hirai momo after a long time and hopes, really hopes, for a moment that her temples will not hurt with every memory, but they do and yet sana doesn't stop. she sighs in defeat and swings her fingers on the garden table while she tries to remember the exact moment she met hirai momo, but the memory never reaches her.

no wonder, anyway.

as long as sana can remember, hirai momo was present in every moment of her life until not, so it was too complicated to find the exact moment when she first exchanged words with momo. however, there is one specific moment that causes fire break out in sana's chest and burn and then there is a rash.

/

at the age of fourteen, minatozaki sana notices for the first time that something about her friendship with hirai momo is not right.

it happens in the back garden of sana's house.

sana invites momo to spend the afternoon with her without a specific reason, but she stresses several times that she must show her something and momo, without thinking too much and full of curiosity, accepts.

(sana knows that it's not like momo can say no to her anyway. they have been friends for as long as she can remember and spending excessive time with each other is something they are both used to. also, momo's house is so close to hers that momo's older sister, hana, doesn't need to bring momo to her door since momo was twelve years old).

so later that day, as soon as momo knocks on the door of her house, sana runs and jumps, and welcomes momo as if she had not seen her in the last few hours even though she did.

(momo is not a bit impressed).

then sana pushes momo into the back garden of her house as soon as she finishes planting kisses on her cheeks and doesn't even let momo say hello to her mother as soon as they pass her in the middle of the road, and momo then asks with genuine curiosity in her voice something that sounds like why she seems so desperate and sana just lets her know when she prompts momo to sit down and wait, and momo does.

momo waits and waits, and then sana returns. sana walks carefully over to momo with a tray of apparently freshly baked rolls in her hands and momo's eyebrows dance in surprise.

"what's that?" momo asks as if it's not obvious, looking longingly at the tray.

sana pushes the tray on the garden table, smiling foolishly at momo. "what do you mean? isn't it obvious?"

"no?"

"why not?" sana questions, raising an eyebrow.

"i mean, yeah, i know what they are, but it's weird because you're excited." momo explains. "you don't usually get this excited about rolls."

sana smiles simply, tapping momo's shoulder and then wrapping one of the rolls in a napkin.

"here." sana says without answering momo's question. instead, she enthusiastically pushes the roll into momo's hands and watches her.

"are you going to ignore me?" momo questions and waits, but sana says nothing and then momo stops waiting for an answer.

the silence is not disturbing, however; the silences between the two of them are never uncomfortable so sana doesn't worry about talking while momo looks at the roll in her hands and sana looks at her.

there is a gleam of enthusiasm in sana's eyes that prompts momo to take a bite of the roll and then gasp.

sana looks at her all the time. from her initial reaction, which is an expression full of doubt and surprise, to the final reaction, which is one full of joy and also something that looks like confusion.

"so?" sana asks her.

"what?"

"how was it?"

"what?"

"the roll."

momo shrugs. "i don't know, can i have another one?"

"did you like it?" sana asks her enthusiastically, she even stands up and bows, and.

"yes?"

"yay!" sana celebrated in the air, waving her hands and looking quite proud of herself.

momo looks at her curiously and asks. "did i have to like them?"

"i guess." sana responds, her smile reflecting in momo's curious eyes. "i prepared them."

"really?" momo asks with much disbelief then. she also stands up and takes sana's shoulder and sana raises her eyebrows.

"isn't it obvious?"

"no?" momo says. "i didn't know you could cook.”

sana laughs, shakes her head and says. "i'm not, but i learned how to make rolls. that's why i was so eager to hear what you thought."

momo understands then and the next thing that happens is that her mouth breaks in two and she lets out a series of repeated babbles, there is pride in her voice and something that sana recognizes as worship so she looks at momo, standing there in front of her, with the same feeling in her eyes.

sana pauses and stops her eyes on momo's mouth, which cannot stop moving and has a half smile on it. it's a very beautiful mouth, especially when it's so close and sana thinks, for a moment, that it even looks like a raspberry-covered roll so maybe that's why she presses her own lips against momo's waiting to taste that flavor on them. she doesn't, of course, but leaves momo speechless at the unexpected movement and manages to make them both stop; there is no movement for several heartbeats until momo steps back.

however, it is not far enough because sana can still feel momo's breath tickling her own lips.

sana stays silent and with her eyes closed, and only forces herself to open them when momo says in a neutral voice, "that... that was my first kiss."

sana knows it, of course; she knows many things about momo, but suddenly the echo of momo's voice echoes in her ears and makes her feel that she did something wrong.

"i'm sorry."

"why?"

"i kissed you."

"i know." momo says in a soft voice. "isn't that right?"

"i guess?" sana responds as her eyebrows gather. she watches as momo's expression reflects hers. "it's not right to steal things."

"did you steal something from me?"

sana blinks. "didn't i?"

"i mean, yeah, you didn't ask for permission, but it wasn't bad."

"oh." sana pauses, relaxing her features. "so it's okay?"

"i guess." momo says and gives sana a half smile, the corner of her mouth reaches her eye and it is real, and it is full of positive feelings. the tickle appears again on sana's chest. "you taste like the rolls."

sana stands there for a few seconds, trying to not laugh at what momo just said, but ends up doing it and says. "you too."

momo is happy with that fact so she keeps eating after that. they don't kiss again or anything like that, they don't talk about it either and it's a nice afternoon full of rolls and smiles, and sana treasures it in her heart.

she hopes she won't forget.

(she doesn't).

(and it's nice... until then it's not).

/

the moment of realization comes as the days go by.

it is a terrifying moment that manages to change sana's mind about the kiss she shared with momo weeks ago because now she wants to forget it.

she doesn't, however, and sana shouldn't be so surprised when that happens because she has been recreating the moment in her mind more times than her fingers can count.

it happens while she is eating. she talks to lee sunmi; her nanny, in the middle of the meal until she doesn't and her food goes down her throat in a nasty way.

lee sunmi talks about how the family that has moved down the street is nicer than they appear to be and tells sana how she shared some time with them a few days ago while sana was at school, and sana is excited when sunmi mentions that the family has a dog; immediately claiming that she wants to go over to that house and sunmi shines. sana looks at her with curious eyes and then sunmi says.

"good idea, honey." her voice is sweet and a soft smile traces her lips. "the kim’s have a son about your age. i'm sure your mother would like you to come over."

sana swallows quickly and the food burns in her throat, and she is suddenly tasteless. "if i come close?"

her question makes sunmi laugh mockingly and talk about how it's about time she got interested in some boy or something, who will soon be fifteen and sunmi's eyes are full of mockery and hit sana many times while the words keep coming out of her mouth.

it's blurry until. "interested like what? what is interest?"

sunmi smiles. "it's when you like someone." she says. "when you can't stop thinking about that person. you want to kiss and hug them all the time, and it makes you feel happy whenever they crosses your mind."

the short explanation makes sana's stomach contract. she pushes her plate on the table and sunmi looks at her curiously.

sana's brain runs and continues to do so in an attempt to get out of the smokescreen that blurs all her thoughts, and in the process she says. "how can that person be a boy that i don't know?"

sunmi shrugs her shoulders. "you discover it with the pass of time."

oh.

her brain stops running.

she discovers there, at that moment, sitting in front of sunmi, that something about her friendship with momo is not right.

you discover it with the pass of the time, the words repeat themselves in sana's mind as she remembers how a couple of months have passed since she first kissed momo and how she cannot stop thinking about her. how she wants to kiss and hug her all the time, and how happy she is when momo passes through her mind.

the discovery, of course, is not pleasant at the moment.

"sana?"

sana looks up, realizing that she is now standing and looking at sunmi. "yes?"

"is something wrong?"

"no." (yes). "i don't know."

sana keeps looking into her eyes and she knows that sunmi knows something. it's perhaps the way sunmi looks at her through her glass, which indicates to sana that she has a slight idea of what may be happening; there is something that seems understanding and doubt, and something that makes her feel calm for a moment even though her brain is spinning again.

sunmi doesn't say anything. she stands up and guides sana, who is silent and looks how her hand looks so small next to sunmi's.

when sunmi stops in the living room, prompting sana to sit next to her, that's when her lips finally part.

"is there anything you want to tell me, sana?"

sana wants to scream yes, but she doesn't know how. and it's not like she's terrified about how sunmi might react to her words or anything like that; sunmi is always understanding and keeps the things sana tells her to herself. what she is really terrified about is her newfound feelings, because she is not sure how momo might react to them.

(her mother, sunmi and momo are the only three people in sana's life from whom she cannot keep things).

so he nods, but he doesn't talk. sunmi doesn't either; she waits and sana really appreciates it.

she sits down and thinks, thinks for a long time about how she has ignored the fluttering of her heart when momo smiles at her or crosses her mind. how she has ignored the fact that she is always looking for momo's hand or keeping in touch with her in any way possible. how she has ignored the fact that she is always remembering the kiss they shared and hoping that it will happen again.

that last thought makes her go back and sana waits, this time while she remembers again, to forget it, but she doesn't again.

so she sighs noisily and raises her eyes, sunmi is already looking at her and sana says, "i think i already feel interest in someone."

sunmi pushes her cup on the table, paying more attention, if possible, to sana.

"may i know who is?"

there's a short period of silence in between them until. "it's momo." says sana and feels like all the air is escaping from her lungs and burning inside.

sunmi, in fact, doesn't seem really surprised. there is no emotion on her face for a few seconds until her lips break into a smile and sana wonders if that is the effect of whatever she is drinking, but she knows it is not when the older woman's sincere eyes rest on her and she says nothing, but embraces her. it's nice.

"i didn't know." sana says quickly, she is still being pressed against sunmi's shoulder. "until a moment ago. when you talked about how it is to feel interest, i thought about momo all the time."

sana looks up and sunmi is looking at her, she bows and raises a hand, and throws a lock of sana's messy hair behind her ear.

"i see." she says. "are you really sure about that?"

sana nods enthusiastically. she's never been surer of anything in her life. but then her enthusiastic look becomes sad. "yes."

"are you going to tell momo?" sana steps back, terror shines in her eyes and sunmi speaks again. "it's okay if you don't want to do it."

"i know." sana says. "i think maybe i will, but... i am afraid."

"you don't have to be afraid, honey." sunmi smiles and is so positive that sana thinks for a moment that she is right. "in fact, i think she might have a couple of things to say to you."

(maybe momo does).

sana sighs, leaning back into sunmi's embrace and waits, really waits, for sunmi to be right.

(she doesn't find out, though).

/

it takes time for sana to make sure that whatever is going to slips off her mouth makes sense.

the first few days after the conversation she had with sunmi, sana tries to keep it a secret, but it's actually very difficult so she ends up saying a couple of things in front of her mother, but she doesn't get a negative reaction. her mother, in fact, whistles and says a couple of things that make sana's cheeks blush, but that is all.

sana hopes that after letting her mother know, her thoughts will calm down a bit, but she only gets more upset when she realizes that her desire to kiss momo only seems to be increasing, as well as her desire to hold her. despite this, momo makes it easy for sana, as she does not complain when sana is too clingy with her, even in public.

momo's calm about her actions makes sana think, one day, if momo feels the same way as she does, and the calm question is nice when sana imagines it to be so until, once again, it's no longer so.

the first emotion that runs through sana when she doubts everything she thinks about momo is discomfort and sana can handle it, but then she gets tired. when that happens, sana knows that she can no longer keep everything she has to say and that she must talk to momo as soon as possible.

so one day she stops momo when they are walking home from school with their hands joined and momo looks at her in confusion, but she doesn't hesitate to follow her when sana pulls her hand and tells her that she must talk to her.

when they stop at the swings in the park near their homes, sana doesn't take a seat next to momo. she stands and looks at her, and momo does too, but her eyes reflect a clear confusion.

"don't you want to play?"

sana shake her head.

"so?"

"i want to talk to you." sana says. "it's important."

momo nods and says. "okay."

"you can sit down while i talk."

momo shakes her head, but she looks calm. she also looks pretty and untidy, sana thinks, watching momo's bangs fall disproportionately down her forehead. sana smiles and brings her hand closer, and then tries to fix it. momo smiles at her and there is so much peace in her eyes and smile that makes sana thinks of all the possible reactions that momo might have and thinks too if one of those reactions would ruin that peace around her. sana thinks, then, that if so, she cannot do it.

so she doesn't.

"is something bothering you?" momo asks her quietly.

sana doesn't nod or deny even though she knows there’s something bothering her. she stays neutral and keeps gently stroking momo's bangs and taking deep breaths.

"i don't know." sana responds and avoids momo's eyes, she concentrates on her fingers which become entangled in momo's dark locks.

"really?"

"it's just... i've been thinking." sana shrugs her shoulders and tries to think quickly about what to say if she is going to keep what she really wants to say deep in her throat, but nothing seems to get through to her.

"does it bother you what you think?" momo asks with innocence in her voice.

"i don't know."

"you don't know?"

"...i don't know."

"what are you thinking about, sana?"

sana keeps silent, her heart beats quickly in her chest and only runs faster when momo takes her hand between hers and caresses it, and sana says without thinking too much, without delicacy and in a very low voice. "what would it be like to kiss you again."

silence follows her words. sana is not aware of what she is saying until she sees something in momo's eyes that she cannot decipher, and then she steps back, and takes her own hand with her and walks away from momo.

momo, however, doesn't plan to do the same. she, in fact, wants sana nearby so she throws her hand over sana's and pushes her towards her, hugging her.

sana opens her mouth, but closes it when momo hits her nose against hers and closes her lips in a kiss. there is a little more time in this than in the last time and it is sana who is surprised this time because she doesn't expect it, but it's nice.

"like this." that's all momo says when she walks away from sana, but with his nose still rubbing. "that's how it would be."

sana wonders if she did the right thing by keeping quiet about what she really had to say, and she thinks she did when momo bows down and kisses her lips again.

(she doesn't do the right thing, anyway, because momo would probably say a couple of things too if sana did, but sana doesn't and momo doesn't either. it's always been like that and sana realizes how bad it is only when it's too late).

/

for some reason, the relationship they have doesn't lose its balance even though there are still some changes and many things to say, but it's nice for both of them so they just shut up and keep it that way.

it only gets a little out of balance when sana is fifteen and she is talking to momo about her plans for something that she can't quite explain because momo bows down and occupies sana's mouth with hers; managing to make her lips dance together without any kindness after two minutes.

that's, of course, one of the changes their friendship had after the second time they shared a kiss and it's, of course, very nice so they both keep it.

sana breathes hard against momo's mouth and pushes her, but she holds the collar of momo's uniform shirt in her hand and the same hardness runs through her actions, but it's clear that she only does this because she wants to keep momo close and momo smiles when she realizes it.

momo then steps back a little, her shirt still being wrinkled by sana's fist, and comes back to leave kisses at the base of sana's throat. when sana moan loudly and momo steps back to look at her, she is no longer aware of what is happening around her.

(it's not like she wants to be aware, anyway. how would she want it if something more important is happening in front of her?).

she only blinks when sana pulls her shirt to kiss her again and momo becomes conscious again, but not completely because then—

"momo!"

momo jumps, her hands let go of sana's hair and she pushes herself out of sana's lap, and she stands and is slightly dazed for a moment until she is aware of what is happening.

hana is standing in front of them. standing with the doorknob in her right hand and a look that terrifies even sana.

sana is not aware of how serious the matter is until she is thrown out of momo's house after hana yelled at her a couple of times.

at first, sana is dazed; her stomach still burns fiercely from the recent events, but then it cools down and concern fills her as soon as the discussion that is taking place between the two sisters reaches her ears.

she wants to go in again, she really does, and she wants to explain whatever it is that made hana so upset, but she can't because the door is closed, like really closed so sana just steps back.

aware that listening to other people's conversations is wrong; especially discussions, sana adjusts the tie around her neck and leaves.

she hopes that momo will be alright after that discussion; she even asks the universe for it, and she also hopes that nothing will change.

(her prayers are not heard, however, and momo is not well and things change).

/

things are fine, momo assures sana the next day, and she is fine, and there are no significant or obvious changes so sana believes her.

the process in which those words are distorted and sana realizes that momo can also keep secrets from her is slow. so slow that sana is only aware of it when it's too late.

it happens when sana is already sixteen years old and it's almost a year before momo's seventeenth birthday, and spring break is approaching so sana patiently creates a kind of plan for the holidays that are just around the corner.

the last day before the holiday, sana gets on her bike and rides with enthusiasm to momo's house; the same enthusiasm is visible in her features. (the next day, she would ride with her mother to a nearby district for a couple of days and sana hoped that momo would agree to go with them. and hana, of course).

(her ban on the hirai sisters' house had not been lifted, but, even so, sana could chat with momo whenever she wanted, but, of course, with hana watching them from afar most of the time. the times when that had happened, sana had not distinguished any displeasure in hana's eyes when the older girl gave her long looks and she still let momo come and go with sana whenever she wanted so for sana everything was fine).

when she stops in front of the garden of momo's house and is aware of how empty it looks, sana wonders if she is not imagining things. so she approaches and stops at the leading to the front door, she takes a seat and waits. she waits so long that she only realizes that it's night when her mother appears in front of the garden of the hirai's house and asks if she is all right, and sana blinks and nods.

(she is not).

/

spending the first week of spring break without momo is strange for sana, but it is even stranger to spend a whole week without hearing her voice even through voice mail. sana worries and her chest contracts furiously when she thinks about what could have happened, why momo suddenly disappeared and cannot enjoy the first week of vacation with her mother as she spends more time wondering if momo is okay, but no answer ever comes.

until it comes.

it comes in an almost... formal message from an unknown number.

 _i'm fine_ , she says, _i'm momo. i will spend spring break with my family and i will miss you. don't answer._

sana doesn't, but she almost did. she even almost calls momo, too desperate to hear her voice over the phone line, but she doesn't and doesn't understand how she can have so much self-control sometimes.

(ah, yes, it's because of momo).

then she stops wondering if momo is all right; now she wonders what is happening, for momo has never spent a holiday with her family before; except for the winter holidays, but that question is not answered either.

not even when momo sends her another message from her own phone. it's sweeter and full of words that make sana feel warm inside, and there is no ban on answering it so sana does and after that there is a meaningful exchange of messages.

it's the first holiday period they've spent away from each other and it feels like an eternity, and sana prays that it will never be like that again, but no one listens to her and it keeps happening.

/

with the end of spring break, the different exams arrive and both are too busy to talk seriously when they first meet, but they talk slightly and also exchange a couple of kisses.

sana tries to talk seriously with momo in the middle of one of these exchanges; aware that if she doesn't take that time to talk then they will probably continue to postpone it, as apparently momo has no intention of talking.

"how was your break?" sana asks, moving significantly away from momo and breathing heavily.

"good." this is all momo says and she comes closer, taking sana's lips among her own, but sana moves away again. "what about you?"

"it was fun." sana responds. "i missed you."

"me too." momo assures and approaches again, but again- "sana?"

"why didn't you tell me that you will spend the holiday with your family?" finally sana asks with great curiosity. "i went to your house."

"i'm sorry." momo mutters, resigning herself to taking sana's lips among her own and instead burying her nose in sana's shoulder. "i didn't know either, it just happened."

sana keeps silent, aware that momo doesn't want to talk about it; perhaps she is aware that momo's palms, which were warm, are getting a little cold. and then they continue to kiss.

(momo's words become habitual and her kisses taste of something far away that feels like a goodbye).

/

with the arrival of the summer holidays, sana takes the scheme she had planned a couple of months ago to make another one, but stops halfway through when she receives a message from momo informing her that she is going to south korea for the holidays again.

sana reads and reads, and wonders why, but doesn't question momo. instead, she lets her know how much she would have liked to spend the holiday with her, and momo assures her that this is what she wanted too, and sana believes her without further ado.

then she throws the half-finished scheme into one of her folders and tells herself it's for next time.

however, that next time never comes.

with the new free periods, momo continues to travel and apologize to sana on the very day she was taking her flight, telling her that it just happened, and sana only said it was okay because she knew that momo would not say anything more than that.

it's the new change in their relationship and sana has to get used to it; and it's a slow and complicated process, but she does.

she gets used to spending her free periods without momo, only knowing about her when they exchanged messages; which become scarcer as time goes by, and she always scolds herself for having believed momo that day when she told her that things were fine and that she was fine.

sana wonders how she ignored that since the spring that something was not right and she scolds herself. she must have guessed it, she said to herself, because momo's relationship with her parents was so strange that she only saw them during the winter holidays and they only talked shortly before and during that season. sana always wondered why this was so, but she never make that question out loud.

then winter ends and momo returns, and sana is euphoric until her heart breaks or something.

the ban on sana in the hirai sisters' house has not yet been lifted and, at this point, sana suspects that it will probably not happen, but it's not really important, thinks sana, because momo is still looking for any place where they can have privacy other than sana's house.

the city hill is one of those places. it's nice and cool, and makes sana feel at peace at all times so she doesn't think too much about going there when momo asks to meet her there by text message.

when she arrives, momo stands and looks deeply thoughtful. her breathing is slow and only cuts and stirs when sana pushes her into her arms, hugging her and giving her a short kiss on the lips.

momo closes her eyes, but she doesn't kiss her back.

sana notices it, but doesn't say anything.

they stay that way for a moment, with sana holding momo tightly and the fresh breeze blowing on their faces, and it's nice for sana because it's the closest she's been to momo in a month.

"how was your break?" sana repeats the question that has become common to ask at their first meeting after the vacation. she is still hugging momo; almost as if she is waiting for momo to hug her back at this point, but momo doesn't.

"good." momo responds and it is usual so sana doesn't sigh this time. "what about you?"

"it was boring." she confesses quietly. "mom invited the family that lives down the street from us, but they already had plans. something about leaving the country or something."

"mm."

"i missed you." sana says.

momo doesn't assure sana that she miss her too and sana looks up, almost about to ask the question when momo sighs and says: "it was boring for me too."

sana bows down, her hand slipping down momo's body until it stops at her friend's waist; she always tries to keep in touch, and momo looks at her.

"really?"

"yes."

sana looks at her and waits, she waits for something, but momo says nothing. she just stands there while sana squeezes her in her arms and seems distant.

"anything you want to tell me?"

momo doesn't speak and sana looks at her more intensely this time. there is something in momo's eyes that looks like repressed tears as she suddenly looks so small and shy even when she seems taller and more intimidating than sana, and sana pauses again because she cannot remember the last time she saw momo… like this.

"in fact, yes." momo says, looking up and finding sana's eyes already fixed on hers. "i met someone on this vacation, uh... he's a relative of my parents' neighbors or something, and i saw him during the vacation, yeah. it's nice, i guess. hana thinks so, too. ”

sana feels her stomach twitching, as if someone is throwing a hot metal rod down her throat that goes all the way to her fingertips. she doesn't understand why... until she remembers.

she is in love with momo.

momo who is nothing more than her best friend even though they have this strange relationship.

so it shouldn't feel like that, right?

(right, but sana does).

sana blinks and her glassy eyes suddenly return to normal. "are you serious?" she asks mockingly and her voice trembles, but momo just shrugs and doesn't realize that sana seems hurt by her words. "well, uh, i am happy for you, of course."

"thank you."

"so..." sana whistles. "is he prettier than me?"

"don't be silly, sana." momo says. "you know it's not like that."

sana believes her and keeps quiet, and momo imitates her. they keep silent and for the first time, sana believes, there is some discomfort in their midst so sana turns away and looks at momo from her place.

she wonders if that's how it's going to be now.

/

there's a new change among them.

there are no fleeting kisses, much less short ones, and intimacy is scarce between them until then it seems that none exists. it feels like being strangers or something, and sana feels miserable.

however, sana tells herself that there will be a change; that everything will return to normal, and she begins to believe it, but then nothing returns to normal; it only gets worse, and as if the universe wanted to mock and emphasize it on its own face, something happens.

one afternoon as they are returning to the neighborhood, sana sighs shakily and doubts whether she should take momo's hand or not; she has been wanting to do so since their little fingers brushed against each other a few minutes ago, and suddenly, feeling brave, sana does, but stops when momo sticks her feet on the sidewalk abruptly and moves her hand away from sana's grip.

neither one talks for a moment and sana is sure they won't if she doesn't ask what's going on so take a deep breath and start.

"momo?"

"no, sana."

sana knows that something is happening and her hands are itching to know, but she doesn't press immediately. sana just looks at momo with curiosity while her chest is burning painfully, but momo continues to ignore her so sana must say.

"is something wrong?"

"i don't know, sana. you tell me."

there is something in momo's cold tone that makes sana question her actions for a moment; she wonders for a few seconds what she did, but she stops. sana tells herself that there is nothing she could have done or said to achieve this reaction in momo so she just sways on her toes and says with a contracted voice.

"no, momo, you tell me what's going on." she sighs, her eyes almost pleading. "you keep refusing to talk to me about whatever's going on and you can't tell me i'm imagining things or anything. it hasn't been you since you got back."

momo finally looks up. her dark eyes blink on sana's face and her eyebrows gather as she says, "why are you so sure something is happening?"

"because i know you."

momo laughs bitterly, she's almost sarcastic. "oh, really? how are you so sure of that?" momo returned the question, stopping in front of sana. "why do you think you know everything? why do you think you know me better than anyone?"

"because i do."

"no, you don't." momo says firmly and is so fast that it goes through sana. "stop believing that you know everything about me, sana. you only know what i want you to know, that's all, so stop believing that something is happening."

"isn't it?"

"no."

"so why can't we do something as simple as holding hands or something else? you've been avoiding me, momo, i can see that, but i can't keep pretending it doesn't affect me."

"i'm not going to talk about this." that's all momo says and she backs off, she's completely determined to continue on her path, but sana stops her.

"so that's it? we're going to continue like this? you're not even going to give me an explanation?"

"why should i?" momo asks, her voice is watery and full of anger; almost desperate. "all of this is strange, anyway. we are friends, sana, nothing more and we should not act as if whatever we have is normal because it is not. "

sana doesn't understand which is tighter: momo's jaw as she continues to look at her or her chest, but she knows that the last one is the more painful.

that's it.

they're friends, best friends, nothing more, nothing less.

however, sana is in love with her, with momo, her best friend, and has been since she was fourteen years old.

sana blinks as her stomach staggers and there is something that feels like vomit in her throat, but she knows it's not; sana is sure it's just her heart about to be poured out to momo in complete despair. momo doesn't notice it, however, and just recoils and retreats until she gets out of the sight of sana and sana must swallow the hard ball at the base of her throat.

she doesn't know when she starts crying, but she realizes that she is doing it when a couple of minutes later, she arrives home and her mother asks her if she is okay, pressing her in a hug and also asking what happened.

sana stops and thinks because even she doesn't know what happened.

/

as the days go by, sana is not sure which is more scrambled: her heart or her brain.

she feels heavy and blurry, almost numb and everything hurts, but sana doesn't believe her heart is broken. she just thinks that it's a pain similar to almost losing someone, as she is completely sure that she has not yet lost momo completely; she is hopeful even if she has not spoken to momo since her last discussion.

there is no sudden and quick fix, but sana is patient and continues to look at momo in the corridors with longing; as if that could repair anything.

she only begins to despair when she can't find momo in the hallways or anywhere else; even her house seems empty, so sana wonders if they will ever fix their relationship.

she realizes that this will not be the case when her mother one day suddenly approaches her in the garden and with her voice strangled in grief tells her something that sana's brain processes as:

"honey, i need to tell you something." and then. "the hirai sisters returned to their parents."

it's at that moment that sana thinks she's experiencing her first broken heart. she could swear that's how she feels as she trembles in her mother's arms.

sana is wrong, however, although she doesn't know it until that same year when she truly discovers what it's like to have a broken heart when her mother, the same person who is embracing her at that moment with such affection while she cries, leaves her without explanation.

/

sana blinks and spins, and desperately looks for air. her lungs burn and feel as if she has been under water for longer than she can bear; almost drowning, but then they fill with air and sana breathes when she remembers nayeon.

it feels like coming back to life and sana clings to the warm feeling that overwhelms her as the image of a smiling nayeon becomes clear on her eyelids; she clings to it as if it were a lifeline, she clings to that stutter in her chest and all the positive emotions that invade her in the moment.

still, there is a pause in the middle of all this when sana, feeling so overwhelmed by it all, let’s go of what she feels as a lifeline.

it's momentary and her eyes get wet; full of thick layers of water that tremble to come out of her eyes, but sana knows that it will be final because at that moment, there while squeezing her fingers in her eyes, she tells herself that she must let go of nayeon.

the sharp pain in her chest convinces sana that she could not bear to go through something like that again; whether losing nayeon suddenly or nayeon leaving without explanation and without more.

sana is selfish, however, for at no time does she think about whether nayeon would feel the same way she did if sana were to disappear as momo or her mother did with her.


End file.
